Every August
through each December,
the warmth recedes,
like dying embers.

I lie in wait
as leaves get bolder,
and as they fall,
orange, reds, and golder,

I sit and watch,
these pungent colors,
dance their dance of
the end of summers.

The first snow falls,
as leaves grow older,
consuming them,
as time moves slower.

I watch it all,
leaves, death, and powder,
the howling wind
could not be louder.

Though ice and frost
may coat and cover,
the life, unbound,
will soon recover.

The frozen soul
this growth will smother,
returning us
our floral mother.

I watch this slow
seasonal taper,
the warmth meets ice
and ice meets vapor,

and through it all,
i watch and ponder:
all of life's grace
and all its wonder.

I cannot find beauty within myself,

I hate what I touch,
and I hate what touches me,
there is no pain that light reveals,
no evidence on my flesh;

I am empty,
I am naked,
save for white lace that lines my throat,
tinged red with blood that is no longer mine;

No water can erase hands unseen,
for I am cleansed and yet still dirty:
never whole again,
never me again,

and tomorrow I will let it all go,
give myself to the clouds,
to rushing rivers and swaying trees,
and I will return to the earth;

Maybe then,
after all this here,
I will finally be free.

Sometimes I wish,
I was just a critter,
a bug or a bird,
oh so quiet, oh so little;

I would live out my life,
as most critters do,
in the trees or the dirt,
or the big ocean blue;

Time would escape me,
oh what freedom that'd bring!
to live unabashed:
I could dance, I could sing!

Though my life might be short,
all snuffed in a flash,
I would burn oh so hot,
yet turn nothing to ash;

I wouldnt be hurt,
nor hurt would I cause;
I'd love all myself,
from my head to my paws;

I would live just to live,
to see and to hear,
I'd feel everything,
and cherish whats near;

So maybe tomorrow,
after my final rest,
I'll awake as a critter,
nothing more, nothing less.

Flowers blossom in unseen trees,
Time escapes those who let things be,

and though their calls remain unheard,
constant worry is for the birds;

Be kind to me, I cannot change,
the way I wilt, the way I hang;

So free me from the drip unholy,
anointing me while I dry slowly;


Don't want to hurt, so water me,
fill my hollow, aching leaves;

Return me to those open plains,
where i will grow and soak in rain,

and when time comes when all is done,
my ancient leaves under the sun,

Simply snip my stem, then hold me high,
and remember me after I die.

Today you'll find I am no more,
my soul has left me on the floor,
I lived a life of love and war:
a deep unrest inside my core,

but now I have outstayed my welcome,
and must return to where I come from;
Though some could not predict this outcome,
I pray the pain wont live inside them:

I hurt and hurt and now no more,
I leave it all, and end in four,
and though I leave a tattered score,
I hope that will not be my lore;

My truth and secrets die with me,
all bottled up and out to sea;
No one will know who I could be,
behind closed doors; a lock and key;

Tonight I'll travel past the moon,
out to the stars, I'll sing and swoon,
and though I yearn to see you soon,
I wish for you a better boon;

Rejoice in that whats done is done,
and let me fade into the sun;
Remember now, though mine has run,
this life for you has just begun;

I love you all, I'm leaving now,
through rushing water, or on wind's sough:
Hear as I take my final bow:
Goodbye! Farewell! Au revoir! Ciao!

When I was a child,
I wanted you to love me,
to see me as I am,
instead of who I could be;

I'm nothing but a failure,
I know this to be true;
I wish I could be different,
and I wish I could love you;

I've known I'm not your favorite,
since you told me in your car,
but please do not forget me,
when i'm sent out to the stars;

There I'll float quite calmly,
in a cosmic cloud of dust:
my body won't be my body,
and my blood will become rust,

I fall into these cycles
I hurt and hurt and hurt;
I can't escape the aching:
I burn till I'm inert;

So hug me till I'm calm,
don't leave me here alone,
nor let me be forgotten,
as they scrape me skin from bone,

and when what's done is done,
and light has left my eyes,
hold me like you love me,
and kiss me with goodbyes,

then sing me songs to sleep,
and whisper in my ear,
tell me that you love me,
tell me you're always here.

I wish to be a remembered:
carved into hard stone,
my name, my body,
inscribed onto this world,
I was real!
I was alive!
I was enduring!

and I wish to be forgotten:
eroded sand in a vast desert,
my absence, my soul,
forgotten and lost to time,
I am imaginary!
I am dead!
I am nonexistent!

and I wish to be redeemed:
made better through my actions,
my truth, my mind,
cleansed and whole again,
I was cured!
I was cured!
I was cured!

and I wish to be forgiven:
though I can't undo,
my love, my heart,
overflowing and sprouting,
I am sorry!
I am sorry!
I am sorry!

and I wish to be me:
I am all of my pieces,
my flaws, my strengths,
accepted and free from pain,
I was!
I am!
I will always be!

Vileness grows inside me,
with each passing day,
and though I wish it gone,
I know it's here to stay;

There's rot inside my bones,
decay and malice too,
it consumes my every moment,
and controls all that I do;

It eats at those around me,
and hurts me all the same,
it screams that I am nothing,
and whispers through the shame;

I want to cut it out,
to rid myself of this,
but I know I cannot live,
without my vileness;

So when tomorrow comes,
and I'm no longer here,
vileness dies with me,
you have nothing to fear.

Tonight I saw a glimpse,
of a future yet to pass,
where I become unknown,
my hopes all burned to ash;

A vagabond I'll be,
no place to call my home,
the aching of it all,
as I beg and cry and roam;

I cant escape my fate,
the streets, they do await me,
when I have nothing left,
and all my friends forsake me;

I'll sleep in dirt and garbage,
I'll shake and writhe in fear,
and I'll wonder to myself,
"How did I get here?"

and then when all is over,
and my life comes to an end,
I'll slowly drift to sleep,
just a whisper in the wind:

and those who have forgotten,
will go on just the same,
but the few who do remember,
will softly hear my name.