Sept '22 Blog Posts

Today I am feeling less sick. I've spent (roughly) the last week with a bad cold (or allergies or the flu or covid; I'm not really sure), and it is very nice to no longer be in the throes of illness. I still have a mild cough and my nose is still fairly clogged (which means everything still smells like mucus 😞), but the headaches, chills, muscle pains, and various other symptoms seem to have mostly passed. Somehow, every year, the same sickness seems to befall me when the coldness of the fall months begin to dawn, so I have grown accustom to its creeping chokehold. However, despite this precognition, I always seem to forget how much it hurts.

Today also marks the first day of September, and while it is not in actuality, to me it feels like the beginning of Autumn. Feeling inspired by this, I wrote a short, simple poem about it that you can find here. I also sent it to my mom and she seemed to enjoy it, though like every interaction I have with her, it ended with me feeling like she resents me for something (or an array of things) I've done. Although, I cannot say that I don't feel a tinge of resentment as well (which I feel incredibly guilty about). I worry sometimes that our relationship may never fully mend, but perhaps time really does heal all wounds. Maybe we all could use some therapy.

I also had a fairly rough conversation with my friend group. I came clean about some of my behavioral patterns, including my tendency to push down others to make myself appear better than I actually am, and my inability to break out of the feedback loop that this causes. Yes, I definitely need therapy (and a large dosage of SSRIs).

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Today was fairly uneventful. Most of the morning was spent lounging around in bed. My brother didn't go to work this morning (he either caught what I had, or, more likely, I caught what he had), and instead he drove around trying to make a doctor's appointment. He doesn't really talk to me anymore, and when he does it's shallow and has little warmth. Maybe I should expect that though. Perhaps I am deserving of that treatment.

I think I may go to the Arboretum this Sunday. The last time I went was a few years ago with my mother and Melissa. Now we're all so far apart (both physically and emotionally), and it feels like that won't change anytime soon. However, I have this theory that revisiting things that are saturated with memories will help me feel less alone, even if it also carries a little pain. It also means I can start uploading some scent profiles to the smells section!

On a slightly brighter note, I think I'm finally over this cold. Only a handful of coughs and nose-blowings today, and all other symptoms are nonexistent. It just so happens to coincide with a three day weekend too, so I'm satisfied with my luck.

I asked one of my friends who also enjoys reading for some book recommendations, and while most of the books he recommended were not incredibly interesting to me (he primarily enjoys nonfiction, and that's not really my speed), a few stood out that I will be checking out: The World According to Physics, by Jim Al-Khalili; and River of Consciousness by Oliver Sacks. I recommended that he read "Song of Achilles," one of the greatest mlm books I've read in a hot minute, though I am not entirely certain that he will.

Tomorrow I am going to do my best to start on a new path. I'm not entirely sure what that entails yet, but I think if I just take the first steps, things will fall into place. At least I hope they will.

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IT WAS COVID! My brother went to his doctor's appointment today and they told him he was sick with covid, so I guess I had covid for the 4th time (crazy, I know). Yay! Maybe one of these days I'll be fully immune, or perhaps they should study my body to see why I'm so susceptible to it. But now that my sickness is basically gone, I am going to start working again on Monday (even though it is labor day, it'll give me an extra day to get caught back up!). I'm not ecstatic about it, but at the very least it will keep me busy, as well as keep my mind off of the things to come.

I considered going to the Yuko-En this morning, but I ended up deciding against it. This heat is simply too oppressive (I can't wait for the Autumn weather to start picking up!!!). But, as I said yesterday, I'm going to go to the Arboretum tomorrow, which is just as good, if not better! Hopefully it's not too crowded, as I tend to get quite self-conscious, especially in large crowds. Though, on the other hand, this could be a good exercise in focusing on my happiness without worrying about the judgement of others.

In that same self-conscious vein, today I felt very ugly. I don't feel pretty very often as it is, but today was particularly bad. I was really down in the dumps because of it too. I know it's quite selfish and even a little narcissistic to constantly scrutinize the outward self, but I can't help it! I wish I was prettier. I wish I was braver. I wish I was a lot of things, actually, but I fear that most of them are out of reach.

Another thing I've had on my mind a lot lately is that I have a deep desire to experience as many things as I can, but a general lack of motivation and courage to go out and experience them. I'm worried I may have become agoraphobic to a certain extent, and while I'd love to blame it on the pandemic or on the fact that I'm working remotely now, I think the actual problem is my deteriorating mental strength. I really should see a therapist or at the very least get an antidepressant prescription, but even that feels like so much work (not to mention the glaring possibility that I may not even have active healthcare). Gah!!! Why does life have to be so stressful!!!

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So, it ended up raining :( The arboretum may have been exciting to visit in the rain, but, unfortunately, I hate driving in it, so instead I stayed in bed all day. I may still go early tomorrow, depending on the weather, but only time will tell! I may even bring a sketchpad and a notebook and draw/write a little!

Speaking of writing, last night I was feeling quite terrible about myself so I started writing some prose about my experience with weight and body image throughout my life. It helped to quell my mind, and if I'm brave enough, I'll upload it when I finish it. That is of course if I finish it (I don't have the best track record with finishing things I start, which ironically enough, is actually one of the primary reasons I started this website, i.e. to correct that behavior.)

To be honest, today was rather uneventful. However, one of my friends and I are currently not speaking to each other because of an argument we got into last night. He has a habit of calling women vile pejoratives and slurs when he decides he doesn't like them, so I called him out for it. I think he knew he was in the wrong, because he left our group chat immediately. But now I am blocked and he isn't speaking to me, and I'm the one that feels the desire to apologize. Ughhhhh!!!

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I've been feeling quite lonely lately. I wish I wasn't trapped inside my own head. I wish my circumstances were different. I wish I was still a child, held in my mother's arms or sitting on my father's shoulders, watching fireworks under the soft glow of summer moons. I wish I still had someone who looked after me, and someone I could look after too. I wish I wasn't afraid of real things like glaring eyes and crippling pain: gnawing at my spine and limbs and brain and heart. I wish I had a hand to hold: a hand that held mine back, even when I my limbs fall limp. I wish I was better. I wish I was freer. I want to return to the clouds. To become dust and dirt and worm-food. I want to be happy. Please just let me be happy. Goodnight.

The last few days have been quite a blur. Work has been very stressful as I try to get caught up on things before end of the month deadlines, and the days have passed right over me. I had a little bit of a breakdown the other day, as my post for that day reflected, but I think I'm back to normal now. I really hate when that happens, and I hate how unpredictable my mind is.

Speaking of breakdowns, I think I'm going to look into my insurance situation sometime next week and make an appointment with a therapist if it's still active. Not that I think I couldn't survive without it, but it would be very nice to not have to put up with mood swings and the sharp highs and lows. My brain has also felt quite foggy lately; maybe the therapist will have a fix for that too, who knows!

My youngest sister reached out to me yesterday to see how I'm doing. It's been years since we've been face to face with each other, and we talk so rarely that we know virtually nothing about each other. I feel guilty about not making more of an effect to connect with her, but it feels too late now. It feels too late to do a lot of things, unfortunately, but maybe that's just the mental illness talking, or perhaps I just need to take a step back and reevaluate my life choices.

I also need to find better things to fill my time with. I'm inside for more than 90% of my day, almost everyday and it's driving me a little insane. I'm ready for a new life, and it cannot come sooner.

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